OWhata

I had an occurence this week that had a profound affect upon me, very Sea Change type of event.  And being as I cannot think of anything else, I’m going to write about it.  I’ll preface this by saying that I now 100% believe that the Universe is alive and conscious and symbolically communicates to us.  On this occassion, obviously the Universe felt my confusion, despondency and need, and with exquisite Compassion, it sent me a missive that could not be ignored.  As well, this post will be a bit long-ish, but I guarantee it will be revealing and, hopefully, enlightening in some fashion.

So, about 6 years ago I finished a novel.  In that novel there is a main character named Carlo and he moves into the basement apartment of the Purjor family.  The father of the Purjor’s is Litchfield - very much a representation of myself.  About halfway thru the novel, Litchfield’s wife Liz receives news that her ex-husband has been found after more than 15 years in hiding after abducting their daughter.  The news is (I hope obviously) traumatic for the Purjors.  Anyway, Litchfield and Liz have a conversation in which Liz explains that, although her previous husband wounded her greatly at an emotional and pyschological level, she still cannot dismiss feelings of Love she had for him.  She is not IN LOVE with him, but he was her first True Love and…that shit just doesn’t wash away entirely. Ever.  Never ever.  This information makes Litchfield despondent - Liz is the only True Love of his life and he is confounded that he cannot be the only True Love of her life.  So he starts bumming around for a while.  One day a few weeks later he’s just bumming the yard.  Carlo approaches him, tells him he looks like shit and has been behaving unlike his usual jovial self for a while.  Litchfield explains what has happened and what he is feeling.  Then, Litchfield points out a mirror leaning against the wall on the other side of the yard and a bird that continually flies into the mirror, attempts to perch on it and generally tries to engage its mirror self.  On top of that, it’s winter and the bird has not migrated the cold location of Long Island where the novel takes place.  Litchfield feels this bird is somehow symbolic of his own struggles and, perhaps thru observation, he can find a way of letting go of his painful emotions.

Okay.

Fast forward to this past Tuesday.  I - the real James, not Litchfield - login to MySpace and see that the sister of the only woman I’ve truly and totally loved has posted new photos of her 25th b-day.  Being a moron, I check the photos and see that my ex is dating someone else.  Now, with all humility and honesty - it was not the fact that she is with another person that made me instantly feel like I was walking along the bottom of the ocean hauling something with about the weight of a dwarf star behind me.  It was the fact that it’s 2 years and 7 months later and I’m still looking over my shoulder for closure. I really thought I was done with that, but I’m pretty certain now that it never actually ends, you just learn how to live with.

So I get despondent.  Then, on Thursday evening, I’m bumming so I go lay down in my bed.  As I’m lying there trying to just NOT EXIST, I hear this noise in the yard that just WILL NOT FUCKING STOP!  And so I sit up in bed (the window is directly above the bed) and I look out the window.  Now, the previous owner had left a mirror leaning against the wall in the yard, half of it seeming to grow out of the sparse bush in front of it.  And the noise turns out to be a small brown bird continually jumping at its reflection, attempting to perch on the edge, et cetera…

…

So, my mind - indeed my entire soul - has been in state of profound disorientation since then.  And the bird is still doing this.  I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP.  SERIOUSLY, I woke up this morning four days later and the bird is still trying to converge with its mirror self.  And I’ve realized that the Universe is conscious.  There is no other explanation.  FOLKS!!!!  MY LIFE IS IMITATING MY ART!!! Try and put on my shoes for even ten seconds and feel the sublime confounding intensity of my situation.

I must accept that the Universe sent me a pretty significant symbol of what to do…and now I have to decipher it, which I think I have.  Plus, from this point forward, I can no longer deny that EVERYTHING - from the furthest particle of dust twirling in the vacuum just near the rim of infinity to cellular walls of my most compact interior - EVERYTHING is connected.  That’s a lot to swallow in four days.  And I’m feeling it.

I don’t know what else to say about that.  If you have any feedback or advice, I’d love to hear it because this is just overwhelming - in a good way, but still, damn…

-James

This entry was posted on Sunday, October 26th, 2008 at 2:17 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.